Thanks to Nick for sharing this with me...

Ugh!

Anxious, maybe, is a better descriptor. Fair warning, usually my blog is about subjects significantly less serious than this, but I've got the time this morning to blog and let some of this out (hooray, assembly schedule!), and since most everyone who reads this has heard this in some form or another, it's as easy a place as any to articulate it.

This week THE JOB is supposed to let me know whether or not they're going to keep me around, and my boss, whom I otherwise like, is being so damnably tight-lipped about it. I can't tell if it's some kind of professionalism-on-overdrive thing, or if it's an act (and if so, for who's benefit?), or what, but it's starting to make me feel alot of pressure. I like this job, and I really want it, but I'm just about to the point where I wish they'd tell me "NO" just so I could get on with my life. Time is beginning to draw out like a blade, and it's just kind of wrecking me on the inside.

Gindo and I watched this X-files episode last night called "Drive." These people were accidental subjects in a Navy communications experiment, and this weird radio wave put an incredible amount of pressure in their inner ears until their heads exploded, and the only way that they could beat it was to drive really fast. Neat metaphor for life, I guess, and that's kinda how I feel, too. I need to relax, but alot of the life-decisions I've made for later-on and coming-up are kidna contingent on this thing (not YES or NO, but the timing of these other things is dependent, you know?). And that's how I feel... like the pressure is just gonna keep building and building until my head explodes. I'm as busy as I can possibly be, and like everybody, keeping busy helps keep your mind off of it.

Except my mind's really not off of it. It's always there, kind of lurking. I don't have any anxiety about failure or the future or any of the shit I had when I was younger; I've fallen down enough times now to know that I'll land on my feet, so it's not that. Just a kind of desperate impatience, maybe. I had to chuckle earlier when I saw my principal on the phone in her office. Nice lady, but I wanted to run in there screaming for just a moment.

"DAMMIT! YES OR NO, MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND BUT I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!" I yearned to say. Dad and I were laughing about it (the situation) too.

"Shit, boy, haven't they made up their minds yet? I mean, I can see them maybe not knowing who they want, but 6 months seems like plenty of time to decide whether or not they want you."

Sage words.

I'm doing everything I can to cope with it. The schedule is getting to me, and while I'm doing a pretty good job at staying shiney most of the time, I can feel it starting to pull at the seams a little. Gindo's feeling the effects, and I know where it's coming from. I want to spend time with her and our relationship, and I can do that by letting go of the rock band, which I would like nothing better than to do (10 years is long enough, I've decided) just that, but I really can't until I have an answer from THE JOB, which they've been waiting and waiting on, and it's really starting to piss me off!

I want out! I want some relief! I want some time to myself! I want to not have basketball games and rock band rehearsals/shows, both of which are mind-numbing and pointless activities, every fucking night of the week, so all I want to do is drink and sleep when I have time to myself, which makes me surly and unlivable and depressed! Someone please, either hire me or fire me but just fucking tell me so I know where to put my goddamed energy for the immediate future and I can finally turn one of these two release valves before they, and I, come completely un-fucking-hinged and explode!

*whew*

There. I think I feel a little better.

Inteview(s) tomorrow

So, tomorrow I've got an interview at the job I'm already interim-ing at (finally). The interview is at 4:00pm. I think I've got a pretty good shot at it.
I'm hedging my bets, though. I've got an interview with their main competition (across the street) 3 hours before.
Here's to hoping someone gives me a job...

If only it were this easy: